This Happiness of Ours

I have spent the past few weeks exploring Los Angeles with one of my best friends. When I am with him, I feel this sense of wonder: every crevice must be investigated, every bustling brook run across with bare, shivering feet. Life is somehow sacred. When I am with him, the child within me releases in glorious abandon. I find myself inventing voices and faces for people and places that I have yet to visit. I leap off of rocks, run headfirst into traffic, and laugh at the silliest jokes. Together, we sing off-key duets, say the same syllable with fifty different accents, and smile all the time. I am ecstatic. 

With him, I feel this dual sense of joy and of peace, of wanting to experience everything at once and of wanting to be silent and cherish what we have. What we have is special, and nothing anybody says should dissuade me of my impassioned feelings. 

But sometimes I have doubts about the validity of our happiness. Doubt springs up whenever one of my friends reacts with surprise or derision when he or she realizes that we are together, that yes, he is the guy who makes me laugh and takes me out to dinner and keeps me on my toes. Despite my feelings of joy, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I feel pangs of uncertainty when faced with the negativity of my friends. These pangs make me question myself: Is what I am feeling real? Why am I feeling the way I do? Then I realize that I should not have to justify my feelings. 

Yes, everyone, I am with him, and it angers me when individuals I value as friends react with such judgment. Please, when two individuals develop feelings for each other and begin the early stages of a relationship, do not compare them on a numerical scale. Do not talk behind their backs or make mean comments to their faces. Please do not detract from their happiness, as some have managed to do to mine. It hurts; it really hurts.

I should not have to justify this wonderful person to anyone, and I will not. I cannot. I ask you, my friends, to withhold judging us until you truly understand how we interact. Watch us together one day, and see if it doesn’t make you smile. Let me try to help you understand.

When I am with this boy, I feel that I can be unapologetically myself. He has seen me in bed sweating off a 103-degree fever. He has seen me at my hungriest, screaming the word “food” at the top of my lungs. He has seen me tired, overwhelmed, pessimistic, and yet he still says I am beautiful. 

We both enjoy capturing the world, I with my words and he with his camera. We tell stories together with our two mediums, weaving together images with syllables, faces with descriptions. It is magical: I have never told stories with anyone before. We sing Jason Mraz and Michael Buble, Train and Coldplay. He rarely tells me that I sing off-key. 

Every moment I spend with him is an adventure. I never know what is going to happen, and yet somehow that un-knowing is okay. It is as if I am finally living life on the edge of my seat, and I cannot wait to see what will happen next. Little Tokyo, San Diego, Coronado, the Annenberg Center, Olvera Street, Pasadena, the Staples Center, museums, every little nook of UCLA… the list goes on and on. It’s amazing, it’s freeing, and it is so humbling to know that tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow, I will get to see him again. Friends, I am so happy to be with this boy. Can’t you see? Please try to share in our happiness. 

His name is Carl. 
This Happiness of Ours

4 thoughts on “This Happiness of Ours

  1. Unknown's avatar HF says:

    Congrats on finding something real. Sounds like you need to reconsider your “friends” though. Your doubts should be of them, not him.

  2. Charlene's avatar Charlene says:

    …. to HF, I just wanted to say that not everyone understands the relationship so well as the author does. As humans, we are all prone to make shallow judgments of people, and it is not to say we don’t wish the best for our friends, or don’t understand the idea of complete compatibility. And then to you, my friend, I just wanted to say.. i’m so proud of you for posting this and very proud of you for choosing your happiness in the face of obstacles, and standing up for what you believe in. And I wanted you to know.. that the friends who make judgments are the ones who either don’t understand the extent of your happiness or have never had the fortune of experiencing what you are. You just have to persuade them. 😀 But in the end, I believe if you trust them, you will be comfortable with Carl. And then, lastly, I wish you the best of luck.

Leave a comment