What is socially appropriate to say in conversation? Sex, politics, religion, family: every subject is bound to offend someone. But should we let fear of insult stifle how we really feel? 

I’ve held my tongue during political rampages, crossed my legs at the ankles and played nice at dinner. I’ve been grateful when exhausted, congratulatory when unimpressed, and silent when angry. To my parents and many others, learning what to say at the right time is merely understanding social courtesy. They say that there are certain things you simply don’t say to other people, no matter how strongly you feel or the justification on which you base your opinion. Some statements are not worth the offense. 

In one sense, I agree with my parents and many of my peers. Saying or doing something that could potentially be hurtful simply to express one’s “honest opinion” is selfish, and disregards the feelings of others for personal satisfaction. I agree, too, that having standards of decency eases social interactions and prevents many derogatory, hurtful slurs. 

However, I ask whether we have taken these standards too far. When honest conversation is reduced to little more than common nicety, when euphemism replaces the necessary truth, a problem exists that we are simply unwilling to address. 

Blunt, accurate language is often transformed to pretty language that means nothing. “This relationship isn’t working” becomes “I’m happy enough”. “My roommate is inconsiderate and a dick” becomes “He’s artsy”. “You look sad, are you okay?” becomes nothing but silence. In many situations, we are so afraid of insult that we hesitate to address issues that really matter, to take a risk with our reputation to say what we mean. 

And that is where the problem lies. Without adequate verbal expression of how we feel, we are at risk of convincing ourselves that our instinctive emotions are not important, that it is better to please than to communicate honestly. With many of these concessions we make, we set aside truth to avoid pain, and this threatens to minimize our most important questions and arguments for fear of being insulting. 

While there will always be a need for basic decency, we should reevaluate what this standard means to us. Does this standard mean staying silent during discussion of politics, sex, or religion, the three fiery no-no’s in every Miss Manners column? Does it mean hesitating to ask a friend to be healthier if she parties or drinks too much? Is it pretending to be happy if one is completely overwhelmed and sad? Each of us must decide for ourselves the meaning of societal standards.

Frankly, I’m still struggling to understand what the proper balance between propriety and honesty should be. I don’t want to unduly hurt anybody’s feelings, but I don’t want to silence my opinions outright either. What I do know is that more than anything, I value honesty in a person. And as we head further towards propriety, I hope that this honesty continues to shine.