I completely exploded on a friend a few days ago, and the ensuing argument prompted me to reevaluate the way I interact with friends and people around me. What I’ve written below may seem too revealing, but I’m tired of saying things I don’t mean. If anything, these words are honest.
Forgive me, for I often judge too easily and categorize too harshly. I pick at faults and superficially at appearance, all while fearing that others are doing the same to me. Sometimes I have difficulty connecting with others, and instead of persevering, I run away, hiding in the safety net that is being alone. I convince myself that being alone is adventurous and mystical and so great, and sometimes it is. But often, being alone is lonely and frightening and sad. I’ll find myself marveling at blue-white Portuguese tiles or the redness of a hillside roof and wanting so desperately to share my joy, to communicate in my own language how extraordinary life is, but no one will be there because of choices I have made.
And yet being among others can be so frustrating. I am not used to compromising what I want or negotiating the thoughts and desires of others, and I’m not very good at it. When traveling, I’m wildly impatient to start my days and yet like to see things very slowly, a combination which leaves me pacing back and forth at sunrise but lingering at historical sites while friends wait finished outside. It’s tough not to feel guilty and rushed at the same time, unable to truly explore but feeling like an imposition to the plans of others.
I am not so good at making and keeping friends; eventually I grow critical and let others disappoint me. Often I find it easier to be alone, to form friends for a day or two while everyone is still on their best behavior. It’s a little easier to be outgoing or witty knowing that who I am now is the person that my acquaintances will remember tomorrow. They will not see me hungover, raving hungry, or exhausted; these flaws have not yet emerged and most certainly never will. Each person remains perfect in their solitary snapshot, and that’s comforting in its own way. But this fleeting way of interacting with others, while fun and invigorating, cannot stand alone.
Friendships develop through sharing joy and adversity, through fighting and ignoring and reconciling, through a series of compromises and talks through which one learns a little more of what it means to be someone else. And while I know this, and have been lucky enough to have found a few true friends, I find it so difficult to let my guard down or not judge at the first sign of conflict. I am scared of being anything less than a smart, confident individual and have instead wound up seeming stoic at times, my fear of external judgment being seen as a lack of wanting to be friends.
The more I travel and people I meet, the more I try to convince myself that transient friendships are okay, that I do not need to make lifelong connections, but that’s just the easy way out. I do seek true friends, individuals who know and accept me for my flaws and for my strengths, friends who have shared with me pain and loss and also joy. I want to be a better friend, and that means not being so insecure or quick to assume. I need to listen more, to ask more questions, to start wondering why a friend is acting a certain way, rather than letting their actions dictate who they are. I need to stop being so self-conscious and start being more concerned with what is going on around me, with what people mean rather than solely what they say. I cannot go any longer isolating myself.
For people are far too important! I’ve come to realize that life is about loving and accepting people, and having others love and accept you. It’s about making an effort to understand who your friends are, rather than judging what they do. It’s about watching the sky shift from blue to the most beautiful orange-red and turning to the person beside you and seeing your wonder reflected in their eyes.
Mostly, life is about sharing, and in that sharing, finding acceptance. Thank goodness I’ve realized it now.
One Lovely Day 